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Big Story News Network. Satirical news on politics, culture and the generally absurd, published daily from the United States. Every story is invented for comic effect; none of it is real reporting, and each piece either links to the real article it is making fun of or says at the end that it is satire.
Latest articles
- Guilfoyle Spent Her Pre-Confirmation Weeks Fundraising, Just Not For Greece Politics
President Trump's ambassador to Greece, Kimberly Guilfoyle, spent the period between her nomination and her Senate confirmation hearing privately soliciting donors to pay down her personal debts....
- Wim Wenders Joins Fashion Documentary As The Man Who Agreed To Just Watch Culture
Wim Wenders, director of 'Wings of Desire' and three decades of visually transcendent cinema, has signed on to a new feature documentary about photographer Peter Lindbergh in the role of executive...
- NBA Declines To Watch The Part Of The Video That Explains Everything Absurdity
New footage and audio obtained by ESPN's NBA Today show a New York Liberty loss was decided by a clock reset that the officiating crew claims was supported by a timeout that did not exist. The NBA...
- Trump Announces Iran Will Not Be Bombed Until After Midterms Politics
President Donald Trump took to social media this week to inform the Islamic Republic of Iran that it is safe through November, describing recent talks as 'productive' without specifying what Iran...
- Cornell Told Students Reporting Rape Culture To Please Use The Proper Channels New York City
For years, former Cornell students submitted complaints, attended meetings, and filed formal reports warning administrators that fraternity houses on campus posed a serious danger to women....
- Pete Hegseth Got Fired From Fox News And Is Now Scheduling Televised Executions Politics
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the December 3 firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan will be open to public viewing, telling podcast host Jack Posobiec,...
- Scooby-Doo Earned $275 Million Worldwide and Matthew Lillard Had To Sell His House Culture
Matthew Lillard, who played Shaggy in the 2002 live-action 'Scooby-Doo' films, has revealed that after the sequel flopped he sold his house, downsized his family's life, and spent several years...
- FactCheck Clears Trump By Confirming He Knew LA Could Be Destroyed And Moved On Conspiracy
A fact-checking organization has concluded that President Trump did not call for Iran to destroy Los Angeles and San Diego, and has published a careful reconstruction of his remarks to prove it....
- The Counties That Voted Hardest For Trump Are Now Rationing Dinner Politics
Food pantries in rural West Virginia are reporting their longest lines in memory, after federal cuts eliminated the supply programs that were keeping shelves stocked. Volunteers say they have...
- NASA And DoE's Lunar Nuclear Reactor Is One YouTube Video Away From Starting Absurdity
NASA announced this week that it has tapped the Department of Energy to help develop a nuclear fission reactor for the lunar surface, describing the project as making 'steady progress.' The agency...
- DC37 Old Guard Furious the New Mayor Is Too Much of a Socialist New York City
New York City's largest municipal union helped elect democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani on the theory that he would be their socialist. Now that contract season has arrived, veteran union...
- Pete Hegseth Calls Livestreaming a Firing Squad Execution a No Brainer Culture
The Pentagon announced this week that the public will be able to watch the firing squad execution of Nidal Hasan, the Army psychiatrist who killed 13 people at Fort Hood in 2009, via a...
- Pentagon Assures Public Nidal Hasan Execution Will Be Watchable Politics
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Fort Hood shooter's execution will be open to public viewing, describing his primary logistical goal as making sure people are able to...
- NYPD Issues Statement Clarifying Which Gunshot Wound Is Not Theirs New York City
Federal agents shot a man in the Marble Hill neighborhood of New York City on Thursday, and he is conscious and receiving treatment at a hospital. Before the ambulance had fully cleared the block,...
- Brendan Carr's Sex Cult Had Twelve Steps And Free Decaf Conspiracy
Federal Communications Commission Chair Brendan Carr has spent the last week at the center of allegations that he participated in a Washington, D.C. sex trafficking cult, a claim that spread...
- Pentagon Books Firing Squad For 1pm, Requests Guests Arrive Early For Parking Politics
Pete Hegseth announced Wednesday that the execution of Nidal Hasan, the Army psychiatrist convicted of killing 13 people at Fort Hood, will be a public event livestreamed for the American people,...
- Man Runs College For Half A Century, Undone By Jeffrey Epstein's Contacts List Culture
Leon Botstein, who served as president of Bard College for fifty years and conducted orchestras on three continents, stepped down from his remaining board roles this week after an email connecting...
- Tennessee Executes A Woman For The First Time In 200 Years, Except It Didn't Work Absurdity
Christa Pike, 50, survived two full doses of pentobarbital last Wednesday as Tennessee officials attempted what would have been the state's first execution of a woman since before the Civil War....
- Hamas Treating Trump Peace Deal Like A Gym Membership They Never Used Politics
U.S. Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee confirmed Wednesday that Hamas has not taken a single step toward disarmament despite agreeing to do so, describing the situation as President Trump...
- NYC Teachers Flagging AI Homework While Decorating Classrooms With AI Posters New York City
New York City students who pushed to restrict artificial intelligence in schools say the technology has simply migrated to the front of the room, where teachers are now using it to generate quiz...
- Candidate Issues 52-Count Indictment Against AG Who Actually Does Those Politics
Republican attorney general candidate Saritha Komatireddy released what she is calling a 52-count public indictment against New York AG Letitia James Thursday, ahead of their first debate. Legal...
- Space Station Finally Gets Solar Panels HOAs Won't Let You Have Culture
SpaceX is scheduled to deliver the final set of International Space Station Roll-Out Solar Arrays to the ISS this week, completing an upgrade that required 35 separate cargo missions to pull off....
- Trump Promises Americans $5,000 With Asterisk Roughly The Size Of The Promise Conspiracy
President Trump has announced three separate government payments to Americans in the weeks before midterm elections, with amounts ranging from $90 to $5,000, depending on eligibility criteria that...
- Trump Says San Antonio Rally Was Like Nothing Ever Seen Before, Chairs Agree Politics
President Trump declared Monday's San Antonio rally the largest gathering in human memory, a claim that footage from the event appeared to support only in the sense that the chairs had never been...
- Microsoft Ships Laptop Whose Name Microsoft Word Would Underline In Red Absurdity
Microsoft on Tuesday unveiled the Surace Laptop Ultra, its thinnest, most powerful laptop yet, featuring a name that its own bundled copy of Word flags with a squiggly red line on first boot. The...
- Pro-Palestine Protester Explains To Grieving Family That Now Is Actually A Great Time For This New York City
On the third anniversary of the October 7 Hamas attacks, New York City managed to stage a solemn memorial and a defiant street protest within comfortable shouting distance of each other. Witnesses...
- FBI Social Media Account Now Doing Opposition Research On Senate Candidates Politics
The FBI this week posted a video branding Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed as part of the "defund the police crowd," a label the bureau apparently felt comfortable applying because the...
- Broncos Plan To Replace Offensive Coordinator With Wristband And A Prayer Culture
The Denver Broncos offense has scored fewer than 20 points in three of their first four games, and team leadership has reportedly informed offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi that his continued...
- Republicans Who Voted For The Iran War Now Running On Lower Gas Prices Politics
With debates underway across the country, a growing number of Republican incumbents are quietly retiring their Trump talking points and replacing them with urgent concern about the cost of eggs....
- MTA Expands Fare Gates That Injure Riders But Miss Fare Evaders New York City
The MTA announced plans to bring its new glass fare gates to 20 additional subway stations this year, following a rollout so successful it sent multiple paying customers to urgent care while an...
- EPA Replaces Methane Limits With Laminated 'Please Try Not To' Pledge Mailed To Refineries Politics
The Trump administration announced Wednesday that the EPA will roll back Obama-era and Biden-era methane restrictions on oil and gas producers, describing the move as a win for 'energy freedom and...
- Joel Embiid Earns $47 Million A Year And Just Discovered Fiber Culture
The Philadelphia 76ers center has granted his annual pre-season wellness profile, this time revealing a dramatic dietary overhaul that insiders are calling the most significant personnel move the...
- Tennessee Picked Christa Pike's Execution Method So Witnesses Wouldn't Feel Weird Absurdity
Tennessee is scheduled to execute Christa Pike, convicted of a 1995 torture-murder, using nitrogen hypoxia, a method state officials chose in part because observers described previous executions...
- Iran Moved US Bombers Off A British Base Without Launching A Single Drone Politics
The United States quietly withdrew its B-1 bombers from RAF Fairford in England after intelligence surfaced suggesting Iran was planning a drone strike on the aircraft and American personnel...
- AI Startup That Fired All Its Humans Has Nobody Left To Turn The Lights Off New York City
Analysts are warning that New York City's AI sector is entering the same late-stage fantasy that swallowed Pets.com whole in 2000, and the signs are already visible to anyone standing outside a...
- Susan Collins Defends Trump Record By Listing Every Time She Was Very Concerned Politics
Maine's first Senate debate between Susan Collins and Troy Jackson turned contentious Tuesday as Collins, facing questions about her support for Donald Trump's agenda, offered a detailed...
- Kennedy Center Has Never Owned A Single One Of Its Steinway Pianos Conspiracy
The Kennedy Center, which has hosted every major American pianist of the last half century and considers itself the nation's premier performing arts institution, is preparing to return sixteen...
- Vance Deployed To Comfort The Americans Trump's Economy Stats Haven't Reached Yet Politics
With President Trump describing the current economy as the greatest in the history of civilization, Vice President JD Vance has been quietly touring the country to acknowledge that some Americans...
- Congress Ends Clock-Changing Chaos By Making Every Morning Permanently Worse Absurdity
After decades of complaining that changing the clocks twice a year disrupts sleep, productivity, and the general will to live, the United States is now moving to stop changing the clocks at all,...
- ICE Hits 40,000 Arrests In New York And New Jersey, Unlocking Its Next Reward Tier New York City
The Department of Homeland Security has quietly surpassed 40,000 immigration arrests across New York and New Jersey in the first year and a half of the Trump administration, a total roughly twice...